Introduction
When I sat down to take my first call as a Lifeline volunteer, I thought; “This must be a huge mistake.”
Was I really ready?
What if I said the wrong thing?
My supervisor leaned over and gave me a line I still carry with me to this day: “Just trust the process, Said.”
Like it’s that easy…
Ninety minutes later (it was a long one) I was ready to quit. The weight of disappointment was much heavier than I’d expected. I really wasn’t sure if I was cut out for the work.
Then something happened – a small piece of feedback challenged my perception, reminded me of why the work matters and even revealed how deeply this journey could transform my own sense of self-worth.
Almost six years later and after thousands of hours of service, I now have the privilege and honor of sitting in that trainer’s seat, guiding others just like you through those first, tenuous steps on this immensely rewarding and transformative journey.
Learning crisis support comes with its big ups and downs; ones you can imagine and, no doubt, some you cannot.
If you’re reading this, you’re either a Crisis Supporter already or you’ve decided to begin the training to volunteer for Lifeline’s Suicide Prevention and Crisis Support services.
Congratulations! It’s a big step – one that, when I first started, felt completely overwhelming.
By the end of this guide, you’ll feel equipped with powerful insight, key principles and practical takeaways to help you build the confidence and skills you need.
This isn’t just surface-level content, it’s the result of an intensely humbling and at times painful journey of self discovery and transformation. This article is the result of thousands of hours of frontline work, deep reflection and an intense passion for paying forward the compassion and wisdom from mentors who gave me something priceless: self-belief.
This is my gift to you – and indirectly to every person you’ll support in the future. The clarity of your presence, the strength of your listening and the depth of your compassion will ripple out in ways you may never fully see…
So, let’s dive in.
Start With Why: Your Best Defense Against Resistance.
Have you stopped to consider your motivation for starting as a Crisis Supporter?
What about where that motivation started versus where it is now?
It doesn’t need to be 100% clear. Sometimes clarity comes with time and experience. That’s what happened to me.
I started with a vague notion of wanting to help people. I’d thought about Lifeline years ago when I first heard about it as a teenager.
When I finally began, my “Why” wasn’t very clear – so I didn’t feel fully connected to the work.
That changed the day I finally got on service. My trainer, Cheryl, said something that rocked my entire world.
It was a small step for her, but a giant leap for me.
You see, I knew I wanted to help people. That’s why I was there. But by the end of my first call, I felt utterly defeated.
I didn’t help him at all – or so I thought. There were so many things I could have said, could have done.
I should have.
I should have honed in when he mentioned his daughter, I should have been paying more attention to some details and less to others.
When Cheryl asked me, “What did you do well?” I had no answer. Instead, I vented about the million ways I felt I’d failed.
Cheryl let me speak, gently listening as I spiraled. Then she stopped me with one simple line:
“Said, I asked what you did well, and you’ve spent ten minutes beating yourself up.”
That moment flipped something inside me.
I didn’t know it then, but I was getting my first taste of an incredibly important lesson, one that’s now a cornerstone of my teaching.
You cannot give others what you will not give yourself.
Although I started this journey to help others, my “Why” quickly evolved. I saw how much I needed to learn – not just about supporting others, but about myself.
So, what does this work mean to you?
What brought you to Lifeline?
It’s ok if you don’t have a strong answer yet. It wasn’t until I’d been on service for four years that I connected the dots between my childhood experiences of suicide, my teenage experiences of suicide, and my adult work in suicide prevention.
Can you believe those were separate things to me for so long?
Knowing your reason – why this work matters to you – is the most important recommendation I can offer. It will anchor you through the ups and downs of this journey.
“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”
– Aristotle
Key Principles:
- You cannot give others what you will not give yourself.
Actionable Takeaway:
Write at least one page about what you hope to gain from your time and energy at Lifeline. Whether it’s a feeling of contribution, the knowledge you helped someone, experience for your future career, or something else entirely, reflect on it deeply.
- How do you think this work might change your perspective over time?
This exercise will prime you for a meaningful and transformative journey.
What To Expect As A Volunteer: The Surprises, Challenges And Self Knowledge Awaiting You.
Expectation is a big topic and I can’t cover it all. Volunteering at Lifeline is a journey filled with surprises, challenges and personal growth, but here’s one truth I wish I understood sooner…
Your expectations will not match reality, expect that.
I knew it would be tough, but I couldn’t have imagined how profoundly this journey would challenge me – or how deeply rewarding it would be in moments of hard-earned compassion satisfaction and growing self-confidence.
When I first started I believed it was my obligation – my duty – to rescue people.
This was a deep belief I had to painfully uproot, let me explain before I share how it all changed.
If someone were suicidal, in an abusive relationship, or addicted to some behaviour or substance, I felt personally compelled to rescue them from their circumstances.
This instinct to ‘rescue’ is a nearly universal feeling among new volunteers. It’s a powerful driver, but often causes us to prioritise giving referrals or advice over listening to their experience.
To walk this path and embrace good listening, release your personal agenda.
This agenda wasn’t something I consciously thought about; it was more of an instinct I couldn’t explain – until the day a young man hung up on me.
After the conversation abruptly ended my supervisor helped me uncover a deeper self awareness (spotting a theme?).
She showed me compassion and curiosity, scratching lightly at the surface of my answers with questions like, ‘I’m curious what makes you say that,’ and ‘What does ‘being helpful’ mean to you?’
An epiphany hit me with the harsh light of realisation – I was projecting my relationship with my little brother onto the caller.
That realisation, though painful, became a turning point. It showed me how much I had to learn – and especially how vital reflection and supervision are to this work.
With her gentle support, I could transform the loss into a lesson.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
– Carl Jung
See, the toughest part of learning crisis support is knowing there’s real people on the other side.
The stakes are so high and yet the main feedback you get for not doing well enough is the dial tone when they leave.
It hurts to get hung up on by a young boy and sit present amidst the regret, wondering if he’ll ever try to reach out again, hoping he does.
To balance that difficult challenge, you’ll need to prepare yourself for being real with your supervisor and receiving support yourself.
Imagine what would have happened if I didn’t open up to mine that day. Would I have learned that I was projecting? Would I have grown and adjusted my approach to young men, learning to connect with countless others?
You will not be good at this work – to begin with.
You’ll probably expect there to be more control over how things go, by Lifeline, by your supervisor, or by you.
It’s a tough reality to swallow.
The truth is nobody can control outcomes in suicide prevention, all you can do is take one step forward as best you can and pay close attention when you stumble along the way – that’s how we all learn.
Expect to reflect deeply. Expect to lean on your supervisors’ wisdom. Every bit of that effort will prepare you for the path ahead.
I know you’re capable, because our shared passion for crisis prevention has led us to the same path.
It is a windy path!
Sometimes growth will feel like taking two steps back and one step forward, let me illustrate why.
There’s two different kinds of learning environments in life; simple and wicked.
A simple learning environment is like a game of chess, you know the rules, the players, the possibilities. It’s predictable.
A wicked learning environment is more like life, the rules change, the players change, the possibilities change. It’s unpredictable.
In suicide prevention, you’re stepping into a ‘wicked’ learning environment – where no two calls are the same, no response guaranteed and the only constant is uncertainty.
It reminds me of a saying (I think by Warren Buffet): we must prepare our children for the path, not the path for our children.
To be honest, I don’t think anybody arrives ready for this path, but by walking it and embracing reflection and support, we grow into who we need to become.
As for what that actually means, this all leads into a key principle that guides me even now, years later.
Learn the difference between standards and expectations, grow your standards but adjust your expectations to reality.
When my skills weren’t up to scratch, I had to accept this fact so I could learn from it, otherwise I’d be stuck beating myself up.
Over time I learned through trial and error to set the following realistic standard and expectation.
Standard: I would always reflect upon my mistakes.
Expectation: I would make mistakes!
If your expectations don’t adjust to reality, you won’t last long enough to reap the incredible rewards of learning to listen deeply. I’ll talk about standards as they relate to burnout later on, including some examples of how I overcame burnout myself.
Managing expectations extends to the organisation, too.
What you expect from your trainers, your supervisors, your colleagues.
For example I remember feeling baffled about certain details in my early days. Why did I need so many logins? The elearning felt cold and impartial to me, confusing given the importance of showing people compassion. The rules about what to say or what not to say…
So much I didn’t understand.
Over time, thanks to many reflective conversations with supervisors and trainers, I learned a key technique to help me reveal and manage my expectations for service and for myself.
When things don’t go how you expect, question your first impression.
Was it really that the young man ‘just didn’t want to open up’? Or was the more meaningful answer waiting for me on the other side of my own discomfort…
Did admin actually want to confuse me with so many logins? Or was it probably the case that they have very complex security requirements…
By treating my very first thought or observation like a doorway rather than a dead-end, I’ve found countless opportunities to grow my skills and offer better listening, not just to those seeking support from Lifeline, but even to my friends and family.
Key Principles:
- Your expectations will not match reality, expect that.
- To walk this path and embrace good listening, release your personal agenda.
- Learn the difference between standards and expectations, grow your standards but adjust your expectations to reality.
- When things don’t go how you expect, question your first impression.
Actionable Takeaway:
Write at least one page about your expectations for your time with Lifeline.
- What do you hope to give and receive?
- How will you handle it if those expectations aren’t met?
Some questions to prompt more general reflection.
- What ‘wicked’ learning environments are you already familiar with?
- What standards and expectations have helped you survive or thrive in life so far?
- What’s a time when questioning your first impression led to greater insight?
By preparing yourself for this unpredictable but rewarding path, you’re not just helping others – you’re transforming yourself into a more empathetic, resilient and courageous communicator.
We’re literally out here changing the world.
Expectations have been covered broadly, time to get more specific.
Perfection Versus Progress.
After supporting over 500 people onto their first shift, a powerful insight has become crystal clear.
Perfectionism is the most common obstacle to good listening.
It prevents us in two ways, firstly we struggle to connect and be present, secondly we struggle to learn from our mistakes.
Yet despite this being so common, your experience of learning has probably rewarded perfectionism. Whether at school, university or elsewhere…
For an assignment or exam we get many hours to prepare for a single output. No matter how ugly those hours are, what matters is the grade.
To learn in suicide prevention is a very different experience, no amount of reading or studying will adequately prepare you for taking your first call.
Learning in this environment will require a different way of thinking, for the pathway is just as important as the outcome.
So often people start with much higher expectations on themselves than is realistic or reasonable. Like I did, they expect themselves to never make a mistake or say the wrong thing.
In a wicked learning environment skills such as; adaptability, flexibility, open mindedness and responsiveness are critical, but none of these skills can blossom if we suffocate our growth with expectations of perfection.
“Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.”
– Leonard Cohen
If we deny our imperfections, the light of insight will never get in.
I still remember the day of a major breakthrough. I said something absolutely off-point, revealing I wasn’t listening.
Awareness hit me with the hot flush of embarrassment. Was it too late to recover? Would an apology even be appropriate? I’d have to admit I wasn’t listening!
I needed to attempt something because if I didn’t I’d guarantee them hanging up.
I bit the bullet and apologised, voice rough with hesitation.
“I’m so sorry, I actually let my mind wander, can you please tell me again what happened?”
The silence was deafening… right until they broke the tension with a graceful chuckle.
I guess they’d heard my sincerity and weirdly enough my admission and apology actually increased our rapport. You can imagine my relief, maybe you can’t imagine my shock. It was an enormous surprise.
By embracing my imperfection I turned my loss into a lesson before it went sour. I could respond to the moment and tune my listening back toward them.
Release perfection to make progress.
It’s not that I improved despite my imperfection, I improved because I embraced it.
Learning crisis support is awkward for all of us and sometimes downright scary.
But we’re all on the same journey, walking up this windy path together, unable to see what’s coming over the next crest.
If you can lean in and embrace imperfection consistently, you’ll soon be nimble, light-footed and easily scaling past the most common pitfalls and obstacles – with ease, and yes, even grace – all because you actually allow yourself to make progress.
Before you know it your life will be enriched with insights very few get to experience.
Key Principles:
- Perfectionism is the most common obstacle to good listening
- Release perfection to make progress
Actionable Takeaway:
Write a couple sentences for each question.
- How would you rate your own levels of perfectionism during moments of high stress or pressure?
- How would life be different if it were half that?
Read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (the most empowering book I’ve ever read about overcoming perfectionism).
By reflecting on your own level of perfectionism you’re further preparing yourself for the insight and self awareness it takes to improve.
If you’re similar to me and see how perfectionism will likely play a big role in your journey of overcoming to becoming, the next section will dive into the lynchpin for growth, good listening and more.
Compassion Turns Inward Too.
Have you seen the roots of the word ‘Compassion’?
Com, like accompany means ‘with’ or ‘together’.
Passion comes from ‘pati’ which means ‘to suffer’.
Compassion means ‘to suffer with’, it requires a vulnerable act of surrender – and it’s the entire point.
When I started in crisis support I thought I was good at listening, many people in my life said so. Yet I’d come to learn this wasn’t totally true.
I didn’t know how to show compassion.
More than listening, I was good at talking. I could give advice, make people feel better, lift them up. I could ‘help people’.
This is why I’ve outlined the discomfort I had to grow through. Doing the work revealed how shallow my listening was because I felt compelled to solve problems.
I didn’t want to sit with discomfort or suffering. I didn’t want to slow myself down long enough to truly receive.
I didn’t want to suffer with them, I wanted them to stop suffering.
Yet seeing others showing compassion on service seemed like magic. The trainer or mentors would navigate conversations so easily.
Remember that story at the start about my first call? When Cheryl reflected my own self critical language at me, this was a small taste of what was to come.
Over time that realisation grew roots and blossomed into a full blown awareness of just how little compassion I ever showed myself.
How could I show compassion to others when I had none for myself?
This was (and to be honest, still is) confronting.
This work unfolded over years, at times overlapping with my personal life as though the universe wanted to reveal hidden aspects of me.
For example, over time a theme began to emerge in conversations that went askew.
If ever I turned my compassion on, I’d have one of two outcomes, either things went really well and I could tell the work was impactful, meaningful and supportive, or things got really weird and confusing and ‘wobbly’.
I can’t think of a better term than wobbly.
This was right until the day I came across the concept of boundaries, these invisible forces people use to protect themselves from giving too much of their energy or time to others.
I didn’t know it then, but I’d stumbled upon the very reason compassion was so difficult to show. Compassion always seemed so risky. It scared me. I couldn’t give away my compassion because I didn’t know about boundaries!
In that way, it makes perfect sense to look back and see how I was afraid of suffering. I didn’t see the space between someone else’s pain and my pain, so ‘suffering with’ was a dangerous idea. It meant I couldn’t ‘hold space’ because I was becoming too caught up.
This is exactly what happened with the young man who reminded me of my little brother, and what has happened with many different people since as this role has revealed me to myself.
Learning the subtle art of sharing pain in a responsible and boundaried way is far beyond the scope of this article, but I will leave just one clue that has helped me immensely and continues to reveal more wisdom over time.
Your boundaries don’t change how others behave toward you, they change how you behave toward you.
It’s easy to read the words, very different to put them into practice.
Before I could ever suffer with others, I needed to learn to suffer with myself, before I could ever suffer with myself, I needed to learn how to outline and respect my own boundaries.
Key Principles:
- Compassion means ‘to suffer with’, it requires a vulnerable act of surrender – and it’s the entire point.
- Your boundaries don’t change how others behave toward you, they change how you behave toward you.
Actionable Takeaway:
Write a couple sentences for each question.
- How would you rank your own levels of self-compassion?
- How strongly do you rank your own personal boundaries?
Complete the Self-Compassion Test by Dr. Kristin Neff.
Complete the Boundaries Quiz by Henry Cloud & John Townsend.
Listen to Brene Brown interview Self-Compassion expert Chris Germer.
Compassion Satisfaction versus Compassion Fatigue.
If the mental health industry were a person, ‘compassion fatigue’ would be their special interest.
Policy, programs, grants, studies, guides, we’re obsessed.
Burnout is a very hot topic as it affects so many of us.
What does this focus get us? We’re so fixated on what to avoid, similar to a kid learning to ride their bike and being told, ‘whatever you do, do NOT hit that tree!’ and we keep our eyes on the tree the entire time… Our hands follow our eyes and – BANG!
I suggest it’s time we focus not just on what we’re avoiding, but also on what we’re targeting.
Enter Compassion Satisfaction.
You probably haven’t heard of it, at the time of writing, Google surfacies “Compassion Fatigue” in 2,420,000 results and “Compassion Satisfaction” in 138,000, a ratio of 17.5:1.
So what is it?
Compassion Satisfaction is the afterglow of giving.
If you’ve ever delighted someone by giving them just the right gift, or saying just the right thing, you know the feeling.
In my experience, it’s an absolutely critical part of doing good.
A lot of people describe feeling guilty when doing this work. Like, is it ok to find joy in listening to other people’s suffering?
This tore me up when I first started! It’s like, am I supposed to enjoy this work? Does that mean something is wrong with me?
I think this guilt makes sense because we tend to think of altruism as a sort of sacrifice, if it’s not hard or painful or if we somehow get rewarded from doing it, this crosses an invisible line.
As though having our own motives for doing something is somehow not pure enough.
Now, after years training people I’m happy to take a very strong stance.
Finding joy in giving your gift of your undivided attention, deep presence and open hearted non-judgement is absolutely normal, acceptable and valid.
At first I had a big chapter planned for this section, how to recognise and recover from burnout, prevent it… but it’s simply too big.
Instead, in the spirit of less is more I will say this, learn about Compassion Satisfaction. Keep an eye out around here as I’ll release a big writeup about it one day in the future.
Key Principle:
- Finding joy in giving your gift of your undivided attention, deep presence and open hearted non-judgement is absolutely normal, acceptable and valid.
Actionable Takeaway:
Journal about a time you’ve felt warm satisfaction due to your own gift of compassion. How does giving your time, money or compassion make you feel?
Editor’s note.
For this essay, things didn’t exactly go as planned.
I thought I’d write about burnout, recovery and ‘doing the work’ a somewhat esoteric way to describe healing.
As reality settled in and this essay took 4 months longer than expected, I’ve decided to cover those topics in a separate space, knowing that the most important thing to end with is…
Making Supportive Systems.
What makes someone resilient?
I had so little of it when I first started on service.
I had massive imposter syndrome and really struggled, feeling like I was adrift on a lonely ocean.
Now that loneliness is so long ago people would find it hard to believe. I’m building communities, have an amazing group of mentors and regularly work on growing my professional relationships.
I don’t say this to brag, I’m not trying to impress you. I am trying to impress upon you that if I can go from struggling to resilient, so can anyone.
I needed to learn to connect with others around me.
See, my resilience has come from the number of good relationships in my life, a number which started near zero and has been increasing over the years.
Resilience emerges when people belong to strong networks.
I used to compare myself to others and think, ‘I don’t know if I’m cut out for this,’ ‘It seems easier for them’ and ‘Nobody else seems to struggle as hard as I do.’
Now I’m on the other side, crisis supporters who learn what my role requires ask, eyes wide in shock; ‘How do you manage all that at once?’
I’ve come pretty far! When they ask, I can now answer ‘I have a lot of support’.
See, learning to receive help meant learning to ask for it.
It’s a skill I’m still figuring out!
If it’s not something you already have in place, you’ll want to prioritise it as you go on this journey.
Whatever prevents asking for help also prevents your growth into higher quality skills.
Asking for help is how you grow connected to those in your network.
I never wanted to be a burden so all my life I’d stop myself from opening up.
The real problem wasn’t asking for help, it was asking the wrong people for help.
The same way you wouldn’t ask your mechanic to fix the software on your computer. That’s not their specialty!
But it can be really tough to know who to open up to because sharing difficult things leads to triggers coming up.
So to know what’s a helpful trigger versus a harmful one, think about the difference between a lie that harms and a truth that hurts.
Truths can hurt you and be good for you at the same time.
The thing is, if someone is the right person to talk to about painful things, they will help you feel supported to lift up a heavy truth. In fact, they’ll ask permission each step they invite you to take.
There’s layers to this, I’ll write about in another article some time, for now this sentence covers it all.
Build trustworthy relationships with people who can help you embrace painful truths.
It’s a lot, I know.
The question to consider is: who do you trust enough to trigger you safely?
If it’s not triggering, the relationship doesn’t have the friction required for growth.
If it’s not trustworthy, the relationship doesn’t have the safety required for growth.
Both aspects are critical and for me learning what trustworthy meant I actually had to notice that some of the people I was opening up to weren’t helpful.
For example, when I was a kid I learned to stop sharing my story because it made adults cry.
Even counsellors.
These were not people who could safely listen to me.
Their own need to control how I felt, or minimise my pain stopped me from being able to share and feel seen and heard, so I developed beliefs about how opening up was a bad thing to do.
Well meaning does not equal trustworthy.
A simple way I learned to tell who to open up with was whether I’d learn from feeling bad.
When I open up with my mentors they can validate my feelings while also helping me grow and see uncomfortable truths.
Learning how to trust people with my vulnerability has taken a lot of time and patience (and getting it wrong!).
Now I can tell who is safe to open up to very quickly, versus who I need to keep my own tenderness away from because it wouldn’t be fair for me to give it to them when they can’t handle how it makes them feel.
Trustworthy people can hear your story without crossing over the lines of who you are, they don’t behave like your emotions are theirs to solve. They can allow you to feel how you feel.
Sometimes, if you’re lucky, this trust is there from the start.
Other times, if you’re like me, you’ll have to learn to develop and grow this trust with people over time.
I’ve learned to ask questions to qualify advice people give me, kind of like reading the nutritional label on food, but for ideas.
Are they sharing from experience, knowledge or opinion?
If they’re sharing from experience, how relevant is it to me?
If they’re sharing from knowledge, how tested is their knowledge in real life?
If they’re sharing an opinion, I can treat it like a chance to connect and show curiosity to understand where they’re coming from. But I don’t need to accept their opinion as being meaningful to my life.
Take influence from people who share from experience or tested knowledge, not opinion.
Key Principles:
- Resilience emerges when people belong to strong networks.
- Whatever prevents asking for help also prevents your gorwth into higher quality skills.
- Truths can hurt you and be good for you at the same time.
- Build trustworthy relationships with people who can help you embrace painful truths.
Actionable Takeaway:
Take a small piece of paper and write all the names of people you trust to open up to. Do you have enough people on that list?
Watch this speech about trust by Brené Brown.
Now, the other important systems of support I used were completely solo.
In fact, I struggled so hard to trust other people, all I relied on were Reflective Practice Systems.
First, a simple notebook and pen system. Over time I needed a more robust and powerful way to surface insight and take my work to a higher level. Click here to read how Reflective Practice helped me grow my skillset, make less mistakes and help more people.
Conclusion
I’ve been given so much through the opportunity to volunteer, it’s my deepest wish to pay that forward to you.
A deeper sense of belonging, not just to Lifeline, but to fellow humans.
After opening my heart to listen to strangers over many thousands of hours, I can’t see any other way it would have gone. Either I’d eventually drift and quit, or I’d transform and evolve into a much deeper listener.
If it’s not obvious from my writing, I’m obsessed with personal development.
I read about it, write about it, do seminars and attend events, conferences, all that stuff.
Yet volunteering in suicide prevention has by far been the greatest personal development track I’ve ever found.
When you try to hear the pain other people are going through, you can’t help but pick up the whispers of your own. It can be confronting, but there’s loads of support and the best part for me has been that… the treasure I’ve found on service, mining deep into reflections about my own identity and wounds, that treasure has never left me.
I bring that depth of listening into life, for my friends and family, for my colleagues, and now, especially – for crisis supporters!
Your Invitation.
If you’re serious about mastering your own skills and think I might be able to help, reach out. I’m always down to talk about this stuff, the entire reason I made this website was to make it easier for people like you to find me.
If you want to connect, don’t overthink it, just say hi and let’s chat.
This post is written specifically for crisis support and mental health work, if you’d like to read more, click here.
I would really appreciate every stray thought and piece of feedback you have so please do reach out via socials if you’d like to chat.