As with everything in life and in suicide prevention, we control only ourselves. The other person walks through the doorway to connection, all we can do is open it.

With gentleness, you can hear pain and reflect strength.

In the early days I used to offer overly positive responses – wanting to empower people.

This led to countless people hanging up as my own reflections were out of touch. Years of experience has shown me how to reflect strengths in a much more gentle and tentative way. Check out this example:

• “I don’t think I’m ready to break up, but… I can’t see how we can keep going.”

Here’s how I’d reframe this:

• “I’m hearing the hesitation, which makes sense because break ups can be so devastating. But… it seems part of you can tell something -really- needs to change.”

We’re offering back strength in a tentative and gentle way.

In fact, this example might be so tentative you missed it yourself – can you see what strength we’ve reflected here? Have a look before reading on.

Two strengths very gently implied:

1 >> Self awareness (part of you can tell…)

2 >> Courage to confront reality (something -really- needs to change)

When done well, you highlight a gentle fork in the road.

It’s a subtle way to offer two paths: accepting or rejecting empowerment.

They can answer either way. If the doorway feels too frightening or difficult for them to pass through, they will tell us ‘no, I’m not ready’ and we of course validate their choice.

If they accept the position and agree, they are telling us ‘yes, I think I might be ready’.

In this position people are far more likely to feel genuinely empowered and pursue a meaningful referral. Next essay we’ll learn exactly how that sounds.