In suicide prevention I used to struggle with timing of referrals. Have I been listening for long enough? Are they looking to solve their problem, or am I just projecting my solution seeking? Do they feel like they’re ready to end? Here’s what experience has taught me in offering referrals that land, using triage.
Separate urgent from important.
First, acknowledge the urgent feelings. If I can’t sooth their violent crying first, we have a huge barrier to connection. Same thing with softer emotions too. People need feelings acknowledged before they can share in a way others can make sense of.
However… people often prefer to ignore urgent feelings and focus on important events.
This is super normal and to be expected, because acknowledging our feelings can be extremely painful.
As listeners we open the doorway to acknowledgement and invite them into the present moment.
Referrals fall flat when the urgent is unattended.
I used to make this mistake all the time.
I’d spend so long listening to important events. Meanwhile it didn’t change anything about how they felt! What was the point? They’d often leave feeling exactly the same – or worse!
It’s an absolutely terrible feeling and I hope you can figure this out sooner than I did.
When you’ve listened well enough, referrals take care of themselves.
When I truly relieve the pain someone is in, chats typically go one of two ways, they:
- Thank me and say goodbye
- Want to discuss how to truly solve the underlying problem
To be continued…