When I started out in crisis support I had to fight the instinct to blast people with positivity. This is how I think about what not to do after years of learning the hard way.

If my view is too far away, yours doesn’t feel relatable.

Imagine you’re talking to me on the phone about a mountain we both see.

You notice this beautiful waterfall. You try to tell me about it and I reply, ‘No… I don’t see that. I see a rickety, dangerous bridge above a deadly gorge…’ Who is correct?

Both of us.

But if your view is too far from mine, your being right helps no one.

As a listener it’s your job to see through my eyes.

Overly positive is not a vibe.

When standing next to me, looking at the same view of the mountain, it’s much easier to redirect my attention.

You might look at the gorge and say, ‘It does look rickety, and it looks like someone’s actually made a home on the other side.’ I can see what you’re looking at!

If you try to tell me about the beautiful waterfall, I wont be able to imagine or relate. We wont be able to connect.

So what makes a good reframe?

1 >> See through their eyes. The world as they see it is where you can connect. Outside of what’s visible to me, no amount of pushing me to accept your view will help either of us.

2 >> Point out what’s close. If I feel pessimistic or depressed, try to stand close enough that you can highlight stuff close to what I’m feeling and looking at.

3 >> Listen to signal, not noise. You can achieve this by focusing on what I say ‘signal’ and not what you think ‘noise’.

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