Examples of listening interrupted by personal agendas.

Firstly I tell you what I see: ‘This old rope bridge. It’s rickety and flimsy, hanging over a dangerous gorge. It gives me anxiety to even look at it – but I can’t look away!’

❌ With an agenda you reply: ‘It sounds like the bridge is really anxiety provoking. You know what I find really helpful for anxiety, a nice warm cup of tea. Have you got any green tea around? Or english breakfast?’.

✔ Without this agenda you reply: ‘It sounds like the bridge is really anxiety provoking. I imagine it might be pretty stressful to feel it’s out of your control to look away. How’s that anxiety shown up today?’

1 >> Offering advice. When you can let go of offering advice to me, you make room for deeper curiousity. You’ve shown me you’re more interested in what I have to say than what you have to suggest.

❌ With an agenda you reply: ‘Oh you poor thing. It’s the worst isn’t it? When you just see something like that and you can’t look away. I wish I could help you or block the view for you but I can’t’.

✔ Without this agenda you reply: ‘I can hear how awful it’s been to watch not only the bridge, but also yourself watching the bridge, wanting to turn away but not able… What does the bridge mean to you?’

2 >> Universal caregiving. Maybe counter-intuitive but your own need to care for me actually takes focus away from me, placing it on your emotions instead of mine. If you can stop this, I’ll be able to express much more of myself.

❌ With an agenda you reply: ‘That anxiety sounds so tough. What have you done in the past to manage it? Is there someone you can talk to?’

✔ Without an agenda you reply: ‘That anxiety sounds so tough. I’m curious to hear what happened before it showed up today, when did you first notice the bridge?’

3 >> Providing solutions. Looking for previous coping strategies is really helpful. But if you don’t listen to my pain deeply enough first, you wont really know what it is you’re trying to help me cope with.