When I first started I really struggled.

I had no idea what was professional and what wasn’t.

How was I meant to be authentic without colluding? Hell I had a hard enough time even holding down basic conversation!

Well over time I figured some stuff out, that’s why there’s a lot of theory in this website.

Lots of underqualified – albeit rather experienced – opinions.

Not near as much activities and action, though it’s coming.

Taking extra action changed the game for me. It shifted from my head to my heart when – somewhat ironically – I became a student of my own practice.

I started studying, tracking, taking notes, writing down what worked and what didn’t.

I spent time working and reflecting… outside of shifts.

Making sentence stems, changing them, adapting them, improving them.

This post will weave through both theory and action to hopefully help you overcome some common beginner road bumps. It’s my personal desire to help you hang around long enough and weather the uncomfortable storm that this journey of growth often brings. Because it’s worth it. The skills you’ll develop, the lives you’ll touch…

More than ever, the world needs you to give listening your best shot.

I hope you’ll be able to not only use these ideas in practice, but also understand the reasons behind them and therefore create your own, eg. by using this workshopping exercise (that’s where my skills in supporting others truly blossomed – when I embraced the gifts of imperfection).

There’s a LOT of stuff to consider that this post doesn’t have the scope to go through, for example how important it is we confirm experience not situation, we stay grounded in tentative curiousity and remain aligned within the framework we’re taught.

If you want to read about sentence stems for asking about suicide, feel free! I figured they deserved a whole post of their own.

As you’re reading or using the stuff below, please keep that in mind. Your help seeker deserves your respect, in this case that means showing up prepared and becoming a student of non-judgement.

I know you agree because you wouldn’t be reading this otherwise.

Without further ado…

Reflective Sentence Stems to Start a Reply

• It sounds like it’s been…
• It looks as though you’ve felt…
• It seems that you…
• I’m hearing how…
• I can see that…
• There’s a sense of…

Notice how we’re rotating through difference senses. This is a basic yet simple way of shifting it up so it feels a lot more natural rather than repeating ‘Sounds like’ five times then wondering why they disappear without warning…

Sentence Stems to End a Reply

• Tell me more…
• I’m listening…
• I’m curious to hear more…
• I’d like to hear more about that…

Notice how we can end an inquiry without a question mark? It means we can invite more information without the interrogation feeling. The key is in how tentative your invitations are. Not enough tentativeness and they feel like commands.

Bad for connection, so keep it tentative and curious!

Sentence Stems to Validate

• I can hardly imagine…
• I imagine that might be…
• Anyone who’s gone through x would feel y…

This is some intermediate stuff. I promise, you will mess it up unless you do the following; stay grounded in tentative curiousity.

It’s not in your imagination, there’s definitely a pattern forming.

Alternate Ways to Express Curiousity

• I’m curious about
• I’m wondering what
• I’d like to hear more of

This is quite advanced. If you’re not sure about where ‘I’ belongs in your practice, please read about the distance between collusion and empathy.

Alternative Words to Explore Feelings

• Impact
• Effect or affect
• Been like
• Comes up

It sucks to get asked about your feelings.

It sucked when you were 13 and it still sucks when you’re 53. You can get creative and still receive great info about feelings by thinking outside the lines.

Words and Terms to Explore Here and Now

• Day to day life
• Things today
• What this afternoon has held
• Right now
• In the present moment
• Currently

This is where real work gets done. Whatever you’re suffering with; chronic pain, invalidation, criticism, grief, loss, self hate, fixated thoughts, extreme anxiety, dissociation, depressive episode, voices, trauma, institutionalisation, certain death, whatever it is, any hope you possibly have of relieving your distress lives and dies in the present moment.

As someone who wants to support others, figure out how present you are in your own distress so you can cultivate your presence and then offer that present to others (like that? for my next trick I’ll prove the sum is more than its parts!).

Now let’s mix the examples up and see what we can come up with.

If you want to challenge yourself, get a pen and paper and read back over the examples above. Combine them together in random order and see what comes out, when you’ve done that, keep keep reading below.

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Hey, you’re back! Well done.

If you’re offended, good – stop reading, take action. If not, even gooder.

Combinations

• It sounds like it’s been such a rough year for you between x and y happening. I imagine it might be quite overwhelming, tell me how the overwhelm has affected you today…
• It looks as though you’ve felt so fed up of the tension at work, I can hardly imagine what it’s been like for you feeling torn between the two sides. With all this going on what’s your day to day life been like?
• It seems you think you don’t deserve to feel let down after what happened, but after what you’ve shared it really seems as though anyone would feel let down in your situation. I’m curious what’s coming up for you right now…
• I’m hearing how devastating it was to receive the news of their death. On top of that is the complex memories of trauma it’s brought up, how are those memories impacting you right now in this moment?
• I can see that you feel it’s deeply unfair what happened to her, I’d like to hear what’s coming up for you in the present as you share this with me…
• There’s a sense of self hate in what you’ve shared tonight.. I’m curious how that’s been affecting your day to day life to live with those thoughts…

Notice how tentative the language is. Can you see how nowhere in the combinations does our help seeker get their reality confirmed? Yet everywhere in the combinations they get their feelings and experience validated.

When I learned the distinction between confirming a situation and validating an experience my practice completely evolved. All of a sudden I figured out where authenticity could fit in with professionalism.

Getting Fancy

• Paint a picture with words…
• If your (blank) could speak… what would they say?
• So many moving targets, each one bumping the next…

These ones can be real powerful. I wont give examples, so you get the pleasure of figuring them out for yourself!

I will give you one hint though, the (blank) is for things distinctly without a voice. Shoes, for example.

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This post is written specifically for crisis support and mental health work, if you’d like to read more, click here.

I would really appreciate every stray thought and piece of feedback you have so please do reach out via socials if you’d like to chat.