Defining Resistance

I think of resistance like a chill. Imagine with me the absence of heat. The wrong kind of stillness. The more resistance we have the more frozen we become. Frozen by our fears. By our judgements. By inaction. Here are some examples of what resistance looks like.

I really want to apologise but I’m afraid of what will happen.

Nothing seems to last. I keep trying new techniques hoping this will be the one to turn things around.

I get paralysed by options. I hate making decisions. I wish someone else could decide for me.

I feel pathetic. I should be able to just do it, but I can’t. Something’s wrong with me.

You know you miss them. They probably miss you. Yet you don’t reach out. That’s resistance.

It’s the chill of fear slowing you down until you stop. Sometimes big eg. reaching out to your ex best friend or family member. Sometimes as small as cleaning the lounge. Fighting resistance is easier than you think. Because you’re not the problem. Your behaviour is the problem. Similar to beating a chill there are many methods to fighting resistance. You’ll want to pick a strategy based on the level of resistance. Mild chill deciding between Indian and Thai for dinner… Or chronic resistance-turned-hypothermia got you avoiding phone calls? In the following write-up I’ll list a bunch of ideas for fighting resistance and go into details about each.

To begin let’s go to the easiest place. If you want behaviour to change, start by defeating resistance with your voice.

Speak Out Loud

By speaking you raise the odds of noticing how fucked your thoughts are.

Something happens when I hear my voice. It makes it easier to listen for my own bullshit. Keeping my thoughts in my head allows me to waste enormous amounts of time. I might flitter around the house for five hours just chasing distractions. Then I open my mouth to speak and like magic my thoughts snap to what matters.

It’s a weird thing to consider, I know. What would your partner or housemate think if you just started mumbling to yourself like a lunatic? Well if you’re keen to try it and don’t want to risk judgement, start small. You can do it in the shower, for example.

Be your own parent by taking responsibility for your thoughts and judgements.

Help yourself to clarify what you want from the day. Or the meeting. Or the wedding, Friday night, whatever’s causing that chill. You can do it lying in bed before you get up. Speak out loud. It’s a good opportunity to practice healthy self talk with compassion and empathy.

Offer yourself kindness and refill your own cup.

All the lovely warm and fuzzy things you’d like to receive from someone else. Give that stuff to yourself. It’s an opportunity to really check in and ask ‘who am I today, what’s important to me right now, what’s changed between yesterday and last week?’

Tips for speaking aloud

• Pay attention to your words and tone.
• Judgements become opportunities to practice kindness.
• Stop shoulding all over yourself and seek understanding.
• ‘I’m better than this, I should just…’ becomes ‘It’s ok that I’m not perfect right now…’
• Start small

Generate your own warmth to challenge that icy resistance.

Checking in with yourself regularly is a powerful way to care for your inner child. It’s a chance to open up and get to know yourself daily. The idea here is to use emotional warmth to thaw out that resistance. Treat yourself the way a loving friend or family member does and get the same benefits only better because you’re always available. Fuck yes!

Break off the smallest bite

Keep slicing your task into smaller parts until you’re embarrassed to set yourself such a little goal.

Tiny is easy. Keep it simple and take one small step. The PhD is overwhelming for a reason. Let that reason be tomorrow’s problem. For now the doctorate can wait. Your only task is to focus on that one paragraph. You know what it needs. It doesn’t need the perfect structure. It doesn’t need the completed research. It barely even needs coherence. All it needs is progress to keep you moving forward. That other shit can wait its turn. The only thing stopping you is your pride because taking such a tiny step should be for babies. You’re not the problem. Your expectation of who you ‘should be’ is. Liberate yourself from the tyranny of your own judgements by throwing ‘should’ in the trash.

Downsizing

• Have faith the bigger goals will get done
• Focus on the next step by breaking your task down smaller
• It’s only small enough once you can ‘tick the box’ within ten seconds
• Yes, that small

Forget about what you should do by refocusing on what you want to do.

Metaphorically and literally throw should in the bin. You know what you want to do. Give yourself permission to put your pride down and be where you are without judgement.

Take the tiniest and most embarrassingly small step. The step so small you would melt if your professor / boss ever found out. I’m not kidding.

Take that step and break it up into even. Smaller. Steps.

Now you don’t have a paragraph to write. You don’t even have a sentence to write. You have a single letter of a single word to write. When it’s such a tiny little step that you can immediately succeed, you get to enjoy the power of inertia.

Supplement this with the Pomodoro Method.

Another version of breaking off the smallest bite. If you want to learn about the pomodoro method there’s a tonne of information online. The short story is you section time into 25 minute chunks using a timer. When I got into productivity this is one of the first techniques I enjoyed. It allowed me to see results straight away. I think it’s power comes from two factors. Firstly, setting intention helps to keep focused. It also recruits the power of the sprint. If marathons aren’t your thing, a short sprint can often be much more appealing. 20 minutes. Who doesn’t have 20 minutes?

It makes fighting resistance much less scary.

On the other hand, what you quickly find if you apply yourself, is that 20 minutes isn’t enough. You want to extend it. The positive feedback of getting shit done starts to blend in with your general mood and it creates a loop. Now you’re probably ready to think bigger. Longer.

When all of that doesn’t work and the resistance has built up to a chronic state of frozen paralysis…

Continue later

The criticising voice calling you pathetic is lying to you.

Hitting pause feels like quitting. Which is a huge symptom of chronic resistance hypothermia. It’s not easy to fight life-long mental habits. If transformation came easy I wouldn’t be writing this and you certainly wouldn’t be reading it. But here we are.

You know you want to Do The Thing. Yet every time you’re ready to start – you get distracted or quit within five seconds.

You know how much better you would feel if you reached out and apologised. The thought has crossed your mind countless times. But you watch their story, hesitate and continue with your life.

You know how much you want to work for that dream company. You have the email address for their HR department, but you put the idea aside for another episode of Stranger Things.

What’s one more drop in the ocean of hurt?

Sometimes in order to survive you choose dis-empowerment.

Any time you’ve quit on Doing The Thing you’ve hurt your self worth a little. Your confidence in yourself, your esteem. It’s a little lower than before. The good news is you can reverse engineer that process and raise it too, but we’ll get to that later. When you’re unable to continue with the plan recognise that you might not be ready for change. So hit the pause button.

When done properly even putting it off can lift your wellbeing.

It’s hard because your body recalls all the dreams you quit chasing. But if you can acknowledge them and take responsibility for their deaths, you free yourself a little. A funny thing happens. When the death of those dreams feels lighter, so too does the task ahead. It requires adjusting the framework around the meaning of hitting pause. It’s not an excuse to run away. It’s an understanding that you’ll get to it when you can.

How to hit pause

• Accept when fighting resistance costs too much
• Promise to show up in the future using an alarm or time frame
• Fail and try again

It’s a targeted promise to yourself that you will try again.

The trick is to be specific. When you hit the snooze button it doesn’t ask you whether you want an alarm at some vague abstract time called ‘soon’. You know exactly what that button means. It means ‘in ten minutes begins my suffering.’ Bring specificity to your pause button by putting a time limit on your rest. What happens when you hit snooze? Eventually you get up.

It’s ok that it’s not ideal.

Because making progress doesn’t mean becoming a resistance fighting superhero overnight. It means slow noticeable steps. Beginning with less judgement, more acceptance and paying attention to your attitude toward time. There’s something very powerful about bringing intention to the moment.

Count down from five

The hard part is showing up for yourself.

A total badass boss named Mel Robbins has this theory about life. She talks about how when you have an impulse to do a thing you have five seconds to get up and start. After that your brain shuts the task down with barriers and resistance.

You only have five seconds to act.

I’m sure you’ve felt it before. Inspiration strikes. You feel inspired to continue on that thing. You’ve wanted to for so long, but what if [insert bullshit imaginary problem]? The moment fades. You open instagram or tiktok and scroll the feelings away.

Wait too long and resistance floods in.

It sucks. That five second clock defeats me often. Yet I forgive myself. It’s like my brain’s way of asking if I’m certain I want to use energy. Brain wants to know I’ll only spend our time and precious vulnerability on the important stuff. Things that bring value.

You can turn the five second rule on its head.

There’s a fantastic story about someone overwhelmed and distraught. She was 41. Business and marriage failing. Facing bankruptcy. Drinking just to cope. She turned her life around. 5 seconds at a time. Her Ted talk has 23 million views (currently). All around what she calls the Five Second Rule. She says you can hijack that natural count-down and use it yourself.

T minus…

• Decide to show up for yourself
• You’re worth showing up for
• Fix the action in your mind
• Count down from five
• Go

The act is simple and symbolic. Each number brings you closer to a kinetic explosion. The idea here is to use movement to break through those ice cold barriers. Here’s Mel to explain what happens when it doesn’t work.

Take a moment to breathe deeply

Calm lives in your lungs.

Similar to making a budget, learning to breathe properly will pay you back many times. Investing time to learn can improve your mood and influence every aspect of your life. Learning to breathe deeply can’t be explained. It has to be experienced. It gives your brain the opportunity to shut off for a moment. To disconnect your awareness from the endless loop of judgement and processing called ‘identity’.

Learning to breathe deeply is a long term strategy.

With more calm comes less urgency. You can lower the cost of getting shit done. I get the worry there. You’re afraid if it doesn’t feel urgent you won’t be motivated. But there are many paths to victory. You’re not here because things have been going perfectly using stress as fuel. You’re here because something needs to change.

It’s you. You need to change.

I kid! 

The problem is the behaviour. 

Turn that criticism dial right down and remember the problem is the behaviour. Motivation already comes at a high cost. You know how demanding of a master motivation is. It’s fickle, moody and frightening. It doesn’t care what’s good for you. It would rather you lived stressful, anxious and depressed.

So fight motivation dependency with deep breathing.

Having a critical reset can often be the small change needed for big change to let itself in. That’s what resistance really is. It’s resistance to change and it defines, defeats or strengthens every single person.

You can learn from a world class teacher, for free, any time you like.

Wim Hof has shown countless ordinary people to do extraordinary things. Like climb the tallest Czech mountain in nothing but their shorts using just cold exposure, teamwork and correct breathing. It might seem like esotericism or woo woo new age bullshit but the evidence is in. If you want to invite change, start with your lungs.

Disclaimer; in my opinion Wim Hof speaks medical gibberish. I haven’t found science backing some more outlandish claims. Yet consciously controlling his physiological stress response is proven. Click here to nerd out. His breathing technique has changed my life physically, emotionally and psychologically. Do NOT try it in the water or driving / operating machinery.

Costs and benefits of learning to breathe

• Costs time, patience and admitting you can let go of your excuses
• Learn it free in whatever way you like
• Many chronic illnesses and personal issues can be treated with deep breathing
• Lower your stress levels whenever you want
• Get things done without relying on motivation

Learn it once. Benefit forever.

You can wait for lightning to strike or learn to make fire. Pathways are not made equal so use learning to help you pick.

When in doubt, learn in the easiest way you can

All resistance can be overcome.

It’s rarely the thing itself which stops you. Whatever excuse or reason you have is just a symptom.. The inaction lies in your feelings about the resistance. How you feel about scrolling past or screening the call.

Excuses, or opportunities for growth?

Let’s look at having resistance to learning something new. We can apply the concept of satisficing to take the easiest path.

We don’t want to read about it because that’s boring.

Nek minute you’ve spent 3 hours reading on Messenger. That excuse or sense of resistance offers a direct signal to us. It lets us know what to look deeper into.

Desire for distraction is an invitation to acknowledge resistance.

If reading is out, let’s watch a video. We don’t want to watch a video because we get restless sitting still. More resistance. So let’s go for a walk and listen to a podcast or audio book. Keep chasing your own resistance until you have it trapped in a corner. Then when it thinks you’re going to bite its head off, that’s when you gently pet it. Pay it some attention and figure out its name. Ask google and see what other information is out there about whatever stops you from making change. At first it starts as ‘Why won’t he reply?’ Eventually after digging a bit deeper it becomes ‘Why do I always get left on read?’ And deeper still to ‘I feel worthless, what can I do about it?’ Your awareness of the issue drills down deeper and deeper, each time revealing more layers.

Find info about your specific problem.

The info is out there. The tough part is taking those first steps over and over again. You have to continue to do it despite failure. Eventually you learn how to use google more efficiently to solve your problems. Patience and mental elbow grease. Pretty soon you have a mainline directly into the heart of all human wisdom.

When you’re really ready for change you’ll know it because you’ll want to do the hard work. If you want better than average results you have to behave differently than most people. The stuff that stops you – from doing The Thing, from repairing your relationships, from overcoming that resistance – is the same stuff that stops them.

Pride. Hurt. Victim-hood. The fucked up narrative we tell ourselves.

Overcoming these very normal, very human limits is a superhuman feat. That’s no exaggeration, read it again and take it literally. The fact that you’ve read this far shows how much some part of you wants to make change. It might be a lot, it might be a little. If you’re ready to commit to making change I’d suggest starting with a life audit.

Reverse engineer your ultimate success

If you keep living without direction you will keep getting what you’ve already got.

Reverse engineering skips a lot of struggle. It makes achievements easier to reach by skirting past the heavy lifting of decision making. Because when you’re weighing up which decision to make it costs mental energy. Thoughts have the opportunity to invite emotions in. Doubt sneaks past your defenses and before you know it you’re paralysed by symptoms of a poor frame of reference; indecision and inaction.

Bypass the struggle. Rather than figuring out how to get what you want, find out how what you want can get to you. Let’s walk through it for a moment with a random example. Imagine you want to reach out to an old friend. You drifted apart after some drama went down years ago.

Imagine your ultimate success in detail.

The two of you enjoying time together, like you used to do. You’re getting a pearl milk tea because that’s her thing. Together you’re watching people and having a good time. This ideal seems really hard to reach when you consider the long history of silence. There’s a lot of tension there between the two of you. The gap feels enormous. So put those doubts aside and look at the two of you sitting in that cafe.

Now picture the very step before that.

Well, one of you organised the bubble tea. And before that? You went to dinner together a month ago. And before that? At some point you had to talk to and forgive each other. But what about before that? Forgiveness isn’t accidental. It’s hard. You had to learn about it somewhere and sort your shit out. The feelings of bitterness, frustration, whatever story you were constructing about respect or loyalty or feeling left out. That story which goes all the way back to when you were 5 and you first started telling it. You had to let go of all that.

You don’t have ultimate control, life does.

But now comes the hard part. Forgiving yourself? That’s doable. Taking responsibility for your part? Achievable. Getting past that crippling fear, finding a Jedi (or therapist) to help you, you can do all that. But what can you do about her? Perhaps she doesn’t want to forgive you. Perhaps it’s over between the two of you and no amount of reaching out will change how she feels.

Figuring out what to do with that lack of control is up to you.

What options are you left with? Reject your powerlessness and feel trapped in a prison of frustration. Or accept things knowing you’ve done all you can and removed your own barriers to your ultimate goal. Reverse engineering has given you a road map. It doesn’t lead directly to the ideal result, because that relies on things you can’t control. But following the map gets you as close as possible to that perfect day.

Now it’s up to you to find acceptance.

If acceptance is something you’re struggling with, you can reverse engineer what that looks like, too.

In conclusion

You are not your behaviour.

Whatever resistance brought you here can be overcome. With patience and effort. The hardest part isn’t even doing the difficult thing. The hardest part is growing self aware enough to challenge the thoughts holding you back.

Because resistance lives inside your head.

It comes in many forms. If you follow them they all lead to the same roots. The sense of blame you hold on to. The shame you have. The fear of failure. Those heavy emotions you’ve been carrying since childhood. All of them can be figured out.

Every pathway through resistance requires you forgive yourself.

In small and large ways. The steps you take to dislodge those feelings can be whatever size you’re ready for. It’s hard work.

You’ll have to fail again and again.

But the cost of letting things continue is far greater. So what are you waiting for?