‘Should’ holds you back

But it feels good to use…

We ‘should’ ourselves and get a tiny hit of gratification.

I know I should… (insert whatever we’re not doing)

With that tiny hit of gratification, kind of like the feeling of calling out hypocrisy, what do we do? Do we declare war and march upon our shitty behaviour of whatever it is we “know” we should be doing?

Of course not. Because should isn’t about making change. Should is about staying the same.

So we sit back, relax and sink further into numbness to plaster over whatever emotion has hijacked our decision making.

‘Should’ offers you a subtle yet comforting judgement

‘I should do that’ is at once both self congratulatory and self defeating.

It’s a defense mechanism. It’s responding to a crisis by calling a press conference.

Emergencies which require more than your signals to actually make positive change;

• Avoiding
• Distracting
• Numbing

This subtle judgement that passes whenever you ‘should’ on yourself doesn’t get you closer to the life you want.

Don’t mistake judgement for discernment

In fact, your judgement causes the shitty behaviour to repeat.

Cigarettes are a perfect analogy. They create the feeling of addiction which they then offer the solution to.

‘I know I should quit but… Smoking makes me feel better’

‘Yeah, because you’re used to nicotine dependence’

Pokies, over eating, Netflix, smoking, take your pick of whatever shitty behaviour, they all come from shame. When we judge ourselves using ‘should’, it feels good for a moment but the underlying shame remains.

Unresourceful use of ‘should’ tops up our addiction to judgement, contributing to a feeling of lack / deficit / shame. Just like a cigarette, it feels better for a quick moment of righteousness, but the chronic cost over time adds up.

Not all judgement sucks… obviously

The good part of judgement which keeps us safe and protected, prevents us from eating rotten food or crossing a busy highway, we can call that discernment.

When we ‘should’ all over ourselves we aren’t discerning the cause of our avoiding, distracting and numbing. Without truly discerning we can’t see the connections between feeling and behaviour. We discharge the psychological tension before we’ve had long enough to decode it’s message.

In order to grow we want to turn those shitty judgements into helpful ones by getting specific.

Clarity makes judgement helpful

When we can bring clarity to our self criticism, it becomes infinitely more actionable. By saying ‘I know I should quit smoking’ we let ourselves off the hook. The press conference has been called, job done. If we become more clear by adding further detail, we no longer let ourselves off the hook. What comes after the press conference? Well, guess we better survey the damage and wrap our head around just how fucked this is.

It’s discomforting. To look into our own behaviour and speak to the truth of our destruction.

Destruction we may have had generations of pattern forming put into place before we ever got here.

It takes courage, to look into that shitty habit and say ‘I should quit smoking… because when I die, who’s going to look after my kids?’

Or ‘I should see a shrink… because the only common denominator in all of my terrible relationships… is me’.

Or.. well, you get the idea. Try one for yourself.

If you’d rather not, that’s ok, keep reading and I’ll give you a powerful tip to make it easier later on.

Lean in to the discomfort

Have patience, yet understand the only way out is through. Now or later, you’ll have to let that discomfort happen. It’s the only way to get through the nasty thorny part of judgement and come out the other side. One thing that can take the sting out is replacing the word should with one much more resourceful.

Make transformation more fun and less painful

Next time you catch the word should after it’s come out, observe your response. You might be tempted to swear, or beat yourself up. Maybe you’ll even use the word should again.

‘Fuck I should stop shoulding all over myself!’

Observe those feelings and lean in to that discomfort. Release whatever pain comes up and restate the sentence replacing the word should with want.

When ‘I should’ becomes ‘I want’ you will win

Try it out now and listen to the feeling. These words can wait, because if you do this, it’ll be a big step toward changing your life.

Let’s illustrate. ‘I should quit smoking’ becomes ‘I want to quit smoking’. Now you’re faced with a choice. To look straight into your reflection and ask yourself truly, is it what you want? The power to decide is yours.

Big tip to make it way easier

When you fuck up as you inevitably will (I still should myself and I’ve been preaching this for a long time) treat yourself with compassion.

Forgive yourself the same way you would a child. Should very rarely slips out in my words now, compared to when I first started putting it in the lexicon trash can.

It takes time and patience. Show compassion and allow yourself to fail with grace in the knowledge that your failure is not permanent, it is not a reflection of your character, nor your worth.

Your failure is temporary, as sure a sign as any you are growing.

In fact… you can’t embrace the gifts of imperfection until you pay the cost of failure.