What does every message have in common?

Messages come in three parts: what you think you send, what you actually send & what they receive.

Let’s ignore the first two as we have only 220 words left. In my early days of anonymous crisis support I’d try show people what strength they had. I’d do my best to tell them how strong or courageous they were and it felt like they said ‘yeah… so what?’ They didn’t literally, but it felt off – like I missed something or maybe failed them.

I had to see through their eyes before I could show them what I saw through mine.

If your message isn’t landing, you’re not sending the right message.

I learned this the hard way.

I had to see my wants didn’t matter without first attending to what they needed. Sure I might want them to feel better, or to see things differently, great. But what did they need? They needed me to acknowledge what they were going through, properly.

For that to happen, I had to put aside my own desires to make them feel better and truly, deeply listen.

Pay attention to them, their needs, their perspective.

I saw how my desire to make them feel better was denying me from truly listening.

Now days, when I reflect someone’s strength it comes from a much deeper understanding because I take the time to allow them to share down, not just across (yes read that again). I sit deeper, for longer, without allowing my ‘noise’ to distract me from what matters. In all of that listening, I learn how they see their own struggle.

You can’t take someone to higher ground without first meeting on common ground.