Real misunderstandings all come down to a simple, easy to understand concept.
Hold on to your seats because I’m about to take you on a RIDE.
We’ve got to lay out a lot of ground work so bare with me as I first illustrate and I promise it’ll be worth it.
My whole life before figuring this out was marked by frustration and confusion when looking at human behaviour.
I didn’t understand the reasons behind behaviour.
I didn’t understand so many things… why did I tell lies? Why did my dad gamble? Why did my parents fight so much?
They caused so much confusion for me growing up and nobody would give me a straight answer!
Well what I’m sharing with you today is what I WISH I had known when I was younger.
It’s a concept that comes from Daniel J Siegel, a neuroscientist who’s popularised game changing analogies such as the hand model of the brain.
Today, we’re diving into map making.
But I thought this was about understanding one another…
It is!
Let’s get started with a simple concept;
We Each Have An Internal Map Of Ourselves
Your internal map has varying levels of accuracy across different scales. For example maybe it’s really accurate in the macro, where you can see some big long trends over time, but in the micro day to day perhaps it’s not so accurate and you don’t know where your time or money goes.
Map Accuracy Makes Comedy And Tragedy
Let’s detour for a second and look at characters from The Office (US version).
Michael.
Dwight.
Jim.
If you’re unfamiliar, just pick any three characters who are quite different from one another in any sitcom. I promise it translates the same way.
Michael thinks he’s in charge (technically he is), he has a hilariously high self image for someone who’s really nowhere near as cool or competent as he thinks.
Dwight is a full exaggeration of this. His self image is even higher, and his competence even lower.
Meanwhile Jim is much more down-to-earth, much more relatable, and sees himself with a lot more clarity.
In other words, there’s a big difference in their ‘Me Maps’.
Not all Me Maps are equal…
This is what makes Michael such a hilarious character to watch. And Dwight even more so. It makes Jim’s cheeky smile that much more endearing.
The dynamics they have all create hilarious situations because of the huge difference between how well they know themselves.
Let’s dive into Me Maps in more detail.
Me Maps Represent Our Self Awareness
When we can perceive ourselves accurately, it means we see the stuff that’s hard to observe.
It’s hard to observe because self knowledge is difficult to come by!
Same way you can’t smell your own breath as easily as someone elses.
Ever flip your lid at someone for no good reason (like there’s a good reason)?
How well you could identify the reason behind losing your cool is like an accuracy gauge to see how good your Me Map is.
If you don’t know why you burst into tears, got mad and yelled at whoever or keep reaching for that bad habit (addiction, numbing, avoiding etc) then it’s a solid indication your Me Map has some blank spots to fill out.
And no, knowing why you got triggered ‘because that guy is an asshole’ definitely doesn’t count. Blaming, complaining and defending are all classic signs of not having uncovered the root cause.
The better you can identify and describe the reasons for your behaviour, the stronger the connection is between your language brain and your emotions brain, in other words, your ability to identify and define the territory of your personality shows how accurate your map of yourself is.
Your ability to respond rather than react will increase as your Me Map gains accurate detail.
Me Maps Are Complex, Because The Territory Is Complex
Just like the layers of your favourite map app on your phone can be complex and challenging to navigate until you get more experienced with the features, so too can your Me Map.
This is because the territory of your Me Map, that is… your character, personality, values and belief systems (the unique constellation of characteristics that makes you you) have all come from many places. You didn’t just wake up the way you are, there were stories you were fed, experiences you had and meaning you made which all contributed to your map.
Some of it scribbled in with crayon when you were young, some bits where your parents spilled coffee all over it, other parts are painted over in blood with the word REDRUM…
Your Me Map is the composite of all these different beliefs and a lot of it came from different times in your life, giving you stuff that helped when you were one age, and then hurt when you were at another stage of life!
Maps have come a long way though. Now you can update your map automatically on your phone based on the hard work of others.
In every day life hardly anyone will help you update your Me Map, in fact, most people will actively avoid doing so!
I think you can probably guess why; if someone helps you update your map, it exposes their own map to themselves. This process hurts, it’s uncomfortable, it requires a whole bunch of psychological growth in multiple areas of personal development.
Find People Who Update Your Me Map
People who can update your Me Map with honesty and sensitivity will do more for your growth than everyone else in your life combined. If you don’t have anyone like that, seriously consider getting yourself a mentor, a coach or a therapist.
But Me Maps Aren’t The Whole Picture!
That much should be obvious.
Let’s revisit our earlier detour.
What exactly makes comedy tv show situations so outrageous and hilarious?
Interaction.
In watching people interact we get to observe the accuracy (and inaccuracy) of their maps, the comedy or tragedy that ensues and release whatever emotions it stirs up.
As you may guess, Me Maps don’t paint a full picture, but they’re a critical starting point for making a connection or bridging a rupture.
You Maps Are The Other Half Of Connection
Just the same as you have a Me Map – an internal map of yourself, in some ways accurate, in other ways inaccurate – you also have a You Map of literally everyone else in your life.
Your You Map is the limiting factor in how well you connect to someone.
(Quick caveat here, some people literally cannot connect with others, this might be from deep narcissistic wounding, psychopathy or sociopathy, in this case your You Map is the limiting factor in how well you can recognise their ability to connect)
With a good map of the person you’re talking to it’s highly likely that person will feel understood and listened to. They’ll want to open up, they’ll feel comfortable and safe and very importantly they’ll feel ‘seen’ or ‘heard’.
There’s a huge clue in that language. Seen. Heard. What exactly are we seeing? Their physical body? The skin on their face? The colour of their eyes? No. We’re seeing their Me Map. The better that we can see the rich internal reality of our counterpart, the better we can connect. This ‘seeing’ happens heart to heart when we’re able to listen without judgement.
A Rupture In Connection Reveals A Blank Spot In Our Map Making
Now I’d like to share something absolutely fascinating.
You can tell when connection breaks, right?
Maybe not and you find out when they hang up.
Maybe you find out while there’s still time because you’re clued in and reading between the lines (the subtext of the conversation) and you can sense they’re pulling away or something changed.
The problem, however it shows up, represents a blank spot in your You Map, the map of the person who’s pulling back from connection.
Something you said didn’t land, something you implied put them off, perhaps it was a block to empathy like the instinct to problem solve and you’ve got your Dr Phil problem solver hat on and the connection is tanking.
Something I find absolutely fascinating about these problems is that no matter how the connection breaks, whether it’s because you said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing, whatever, a gap in a You Map always corresponds to a gap in a Me Map.
Read that again.
The implications are profound and if you’re a pessimist, deeply disturbing, if you’re an optimist, super exciting.
Problems In One Map Reveal Problems In The Other
Look back at any frustration, emotional outburst, any time that you’ve had strong feelings about another person and disrupted connection.
Take a situation where you may have felt incredulous based on their behaviour.
Or maybe where you felt shut down because they didn’t listen.
Any situation at all where you had an emotional response based on what you saw or heard from someone.
In this situation your You Map was missing information about them.
When you feel confident in your understanding about what someone does, you don’t feel angry about it. There’s a level of acceptance that comes with understanding. There’s no need for frustration when you can see and understand the motivation.
Maybe you can relate to getting frustrated with an angry baby.
It’s not the baby’s anger that pissed you off, it’s the lack of information in your You Map of the baby, combined with their inability to communicate, multiplied by the lack of info in your Me Map. You try everything and yet the baby still screams.
This is frustrating for both of you! It doesn’t know what it wants!
So how can you deal with such a situation, when someone’s Me Map simply isn’t that well developed? Maybe they have trauma, maybe they struggle to trust and therefore it feels like they can’t open up.
You Can Fill In The Blanks
When you uncover your own emotion that stems from frustration or confusion you can bet there’s a valuable part of the territory just waiting to be mapped out.
Both in your You Map of your counterpart and your Me Map of yourself.
The anger with the crying baby? If you look in the right way you will discover something within yourself, a frustration response due to lacking control maybe.
Frustration when someone wants to complain but not solve their problem? Same thing.
Confusion when someone talks and talks about making a change but never does? Listen to your feeling.
Treat Your Emotions With Fascination
If you’re able to stay present in the emotion for long enough you can bypass the frustration… The confusion… The empathic block whatever form it takes.
When you figure out how to put this into practice it will change your life; your confusion is a gold detector.
Turning confusion into gold might require any of many things; introspection, assistance, mentorship, therapy, group discussion, creativity, art, the list of ways you can access deeper information about yourself is endless.
However, committing to do so has been a total game changer for my intellectual, personal and professional development and it’s my belief it will be for you too.
The Trick Is To Deeply Listen To Your Frustrations
When you express a frustration or confusion, listen to the underlying tension.
Lean in to the discomfort.
I wish they would just hear what I had to say! Indicates many things. Perhaps I’m not expressing myself well, perhaps they don’t respect my boundaries, perhaps there’s a breakdown in communication.
Whatever is happening here, my frustration is a top quality indicator that if I just dig deep, there is a whole lot of wisdom right at my finger tips.
Why doesn’t she ever keep her promises? The flip side is that somehow I keep believing this promise will be different from the last. If I follow that belief I will find and therefore be able to map unchartered territory from my own life. Maybe I’m missing an internal bullshit detector…
I know I should do something with my life but I just can’t seem to begin, something’s wrong with me! The frustration or disenfranchisement here acts as a buffer to prevent me from taking action, I am judging myself with ‘shoulds’ in order to stay in my funk.
Your Negative Emotions Are Signals Of Unchartered Territory
Listen to your feelings.
Share them with the right person, someone validating and non-judgemental.
Get your struggle normalised because the better you map out your own territory, the better you can help others navigate theirs.
So In Summary
The accuracy of your Maps will define the quality of your connection. With a better map of yourself, you will better understand the behaviour of others. You can increase the quality of your map by listening to negative emotions and finding the way through the pain to learn what it has to teach you, however this requires support. If you have someone who helps you update your Me Map, treat them like gold. If you don’t, find some.
Before I go I’d like to offer two questions for you to ponder.
How detailed is your Me Map?
Who’s helping you fill in the blanks?